Jul 14, 20202 min
Over the past few days, my depression took turn for the worst. It was not just a bad feeling, but rather near suicidal. This is how suicidal works - there are 3 things:
Ideation - think of ways to commit suicide
Intention - want to die
Attempt - take action on it
My state last night was, as I sat on the roof, I can think of hanging, overdosing, and even jumping off. Over the past few days, I have punched the wall and bed and tried to release my agony in so many ways. However, last night was a close call - I already took pills from the packages right in front of me. I was so scared that I was shaking and trembling. I tried reaching out unsuccessfully. It was a rough night. I don't know if I can break myself again the next time. My call for help was exactly: "I need company".
Writing has always been my preferred way of communication and expression. I felt that my choices of words have always been quite precise in describing how I feel at the moment of writing.
Haiku and Tanka were my go-to form of poetry. As a non-native English communicator, I always prefer simplicity and conciseness. A single word in Haiku or Tanka can have multiple meanings. A mix of various feelings is exactly what I'm experiencing - depressed, anxious, guilty, unhappy, hopeful, etc. There are many conflicts...
A reference to nature and surroundings as a reflection of feeling is also what I like in Haiku and Tanka. I enjoy observing things and looking at things from multiple angles. The way I perceive my environment is really affected by my mood - so much more so during this depressive state...
As an important note for my Depression Journey, here are my poems: