Dear diary
It’s been a while since my first report of how sucks my life has been through the first week of medication. It turned out that the past few weeks have been quite okay. Leaving Fontainebleau for a while to Sicily, Lyon, and Portugal has been quite therapeutic. Being surrounded also seems to suppress my anxiety and all those negative feeling.
However, as I’m writing this, I also come to a realization that, regardless of how I try to keep myself busy and pre-occupied, depression is still there. It still lurks in the corner waiting for a time to come out… and what is a better time to come out than 12 AM when I feel completely neglected and alone for no reason for the first time in a while…
Xanax before bedtime doesn’t seem to really help either. I’m still as wide awake as an owl at night. My thought on how much I hate myself is clearer than ever. The thought about just not being “here” anymore seems very attractive to me. As I’m experiencing my sunburn, my body is in pain, but how heavy my heart is right now is a greater issue.
I tried to calm myself by drinking my whichever wine is leftover, re-orienting myself with other work, and writing this diary… However, nothing seems to work…
How can I escape from this? Does anybody have a map?