Today, I’m writing with a heavy and numb heart about a friendship that has come to an end. I’m not entirely sure what am I looking for now - a reversion of the situation, forgiveness from him, or forgiveness from my own self for causing the situation to turn into the way it currently is.
This friend of mine has become many things in my life in the past months – a friend, a mentee, an art teacher, a travel companion, and a bearer of my peculiarity throughout my depression. We didn’t start off on the right foot, and the entire journey has been quite rough. The first conversation was through a random dinner to discuss career – as typical MBA students do. I was turned into a fan of the experience and motivations. We worked together on a project, and I admire his natural instinct as a professional. He also introduced me to arts – sketching and painting, which have now become my therapies and outlet on top of writing. In exchange, though not intentionally, I gave him career advice and coaching as a businessman to someone who is foreign to the business, management to be precise, world.
Unlike my usual group of friends, this friendship was forged by two people of the polar opposites. I’m a strong introvert, while he is a social butterfly. He is a very in-the-moment person, while I’m completely okay with keeping in touch through texting. The usual breaking point though was I demand more attention, and he needs his own space – with a group of friends that are more carefree.
We have fought several times, yet we also reconciled multiple times. Most of the time, with his apologies for lack of communication and changes in planned events, and mine for overreacting and high expectations. The last straw was reached just last evening and this morning…
He is going through a tough time of rejections, changes in expectations, and self-searching. I am going through depression, fear of changes, and anxiety. I especially have the anxiety of losing friends, especially when those friends have bigger circles of friends. I asked a question on a specific thing, but there was no response for two days. Out of my anxiety and fear of rejections, not knowing bigger rejection awaits, I burst out into an angry sarcasm “should I expect silence for a simple and caring question?” I texted and continued “Don’t bother replying. I’m emotionally done chasing you.”
The messages were really out of my character. Maybe it was, paradoxically similar to him, while he tends to ignore people who are close, I let out my anger, fear, and peculiarity to people who I’m close to. The closer I am, the more negative those people are burdened with – especially through this depressive state of mind.
Series of long responses followed. I sense frustration, anger, disappointment, and a well-grounded decision – an end of the friendship. While comforting words such as “you deserve better friends than me” were delivered, I know for the fact that my attention-seeking behaviors, insecurities, and fears have finally reached his limit. Despite the earlier promise of finding our way back to reconciliation, I have felt surrender on his end to try to meet my expectations.
As much as he apologized throughout the messages, it was as if those apologies were spears piercing through my heart. It was because, while I felt I was being treated wrongly, I also treated him equally poorly, given his character and situation. Pressures and negativities were the last things that he sought, and I force-fed him those.
Some people say “a relationship can be ended for the better if it was hurtful”. I would really love to believe that this is one of those cases. This may be a lesson I need to learn to be a better person - a more well-grounded and emotionally stable human being. However, on the other hand, I am seeking a chance for redemption – to bring this sweet and sour friendship back to where the sunny days were. Then, maybe, with myself being a better person, I can maintain and regain the friendship status.
More than ever, I yearn for forgiveness – from him, for my emotional instability and pains I have caused him, and from my own self, for the blame, I have placed for the ridiculous acts of attention-seeking and negativities.
The last message of hope was that he said, “I hope, I do again in the future [to see you as my friend]”. I hope that day would come soon… This time, as a chance of redemption, came with a high emotional toll, I hope I can secure it.