The past May 19 marked my 29th birthday, and it felt just a bit daunting. I’m hitting my last year before the magic 3 number (30 years old)! Regardless of my age, I have thought about writing this ever since I started my 7-day personal retreat. Having been with myself for a while, there were a lot of thoughts coming out despite not having done any active reflection, and I believe this is worth capturing since my 28 has been quite a cruel and grueling year for me.
At this point, I have stopped taking pills regularly for a while. However, there were still moments where the ghost of the pasts popped up and caused me to be restless that I need to seek help from medication. Some work-related anxiety, worries, and wild pessimistic thoughts also led me to the same similar action. However, this was still better than the peak, or shall I say pit, of depression last year.
One thing I realized I need to do more is to stop being so attached to the vivid memory of my recent past. The bitterness and resentment of some relationship still haunt me whenever I received the trigger – the notes, the mentioned of name, and even some messages. I think it must have been some because there is a profound mix of happiness and sadness that have caused by those memories; however, I need to learn to not be attached and overwhelmed by it. I need to let myself just be an impartial observer of my own past and let it go… for my own good.
Coming back to work has also been a light trigger of some of my anxiety. The stress, the fear of uncertainty, and the sense of the lack of freedom at times rendered me being mentally overwhelmed. I sometimes felt like I am a coward for not facing those challenges, and I sometimes just cursed whoever or whatever let me into the situation of potentially not getting what I want even though I also understand the business circumstances. Another thing I feel like I need to start doing is to just admit the fact that life is imperfect and not everything is within my control. In the end, I will just need to do what I can do, and walkthrough the path of life doing what is best for me, and let’s see…
After being hit with depression, I ended up gaining over 10 kg in less than a year. I came back to Thailand with the weight of over 75 kg in January. Recently, I have been determined to bring back my weight to my prime physical body. My goal to get a six-packs is now back on the menu. The implication of that goal is that my body fat, which is no hanging at over 19% need to come down to less than 10% this year. It is challenging but also is giving me something to look forward to at the same time.
Handstand is also back on the menu. Early last year, I was so into handstand that I practiced nearly every day. By the end of that round of practices, I managed to hold 20-ish seconds of handstand. This time around, I managed to get around 30-seconds hold. Then, COVID-19 hit me, and I need to pause for nearly two weeks. Now, I’m back to phase 3 of my #handstandeveryday. My goal is to get a one-minute hold of handstand. Hopefully, I can get it this time!
On top of exercising, taking care of my skin and over all look is also important to me. I plan to just put some skin care products every day. I also want to spice up my life with new look by changing my hair style or hair color every month just to be more fun. These are something I’m going to do just for myself and no one else!
I am now no longer at the stage of my life where I can just travel and eat – not because of the COVID-19 pandemic, but rather the financial deficit situation I am in – both credit card debt and personal loan. As I moved into my new house, I went on a shopping spree for plants and household gadgets. However, after a week of isolation for yoga and painting, I realized that I can now stop buying new stuff and just tend my own garden with what I have. It is now time to save and pay back my debt.
Developing new habits
I have started reading a book called Atomic Habits, and I now am inspired to adopt some new habits once again. This is added by some other suggested habits for weight loss that I got from Fasai, a fitness coach, that I’m following. Here are a few things I’m committed to:
Making bed every morning
Block time for meal and not eating beyond that time
Block time for exercise everyday
Before buying new things – check whether I have that thing at home
Practice mindfulness every day for 5 minutes
Painting a bouquet for myself
As painting was my recent addiction, I decided to paint a bouquet of flowers for myself. This bouquet if a bit more special because I tried to put flowers that signify something I wish for myself for the coming year.
Cattail – peace; for peace of mind that is much needed for my recovery from the mental health issue that I’m in
Iris – wisdom; as I grow older, I wish for more wisdom to live my life right for once
Lavender – devotion; this year will be devoted for self-love and care for my own body and mind
Chrysanthemum – honesty; I wish to continue being honest with myself – including my thoughts, feeling, and emotion
Daffodil – new beginning; birthday is a milestone for the new beginning of self-care
Blue cornflower – hope and healing; hope for my better self and healing the wound of the past
The bottom line is: My 28-years-old self was not taking care of Sea well and many bad shits happened; my 29-years-old Sea will be taking care of me better physically, mentally, and emotionally.