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Depression Diary: As struggles continue

Dear diary

I was hunting for leftover alcohol, walking around the apartment all night, and try to think of ways to distract myself all night yesterday. However, psychologically, sleeping is not really something I can get myself into until around 3 am last night. I put myself to sleep in a sooth sad songs like Gloomy Sunday and Into the West. Is that alarming?

Today was not really any better. You know how when you are a depressed and people were trying, out of good intention, to ask you to think where it comes from and really to “snap out of it”? My only response was “I’m smart enough to really get myself out of it if I can. This would not be called ‘illness’ otherwise.”

Sometimes, understanding is really all you need.

Another thing that I’m really struggling with is broken promises. I try my best to keep my promise to people I care, and when things change, I’m really uncomfortable. I know this is not ideal, but, combining with my situation right now, uncertainty is not really my best friend. Should I really push for things to go the way I plan or should I just try to cope?

My mind is going places right now. Alcohol is my current best friend. Maybe a Dementor’s kiss is not a really bad idea…

No one seems to care anyway right?

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