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Depression Diary: Imposter?

Dear Diary

It has been 2-3 days without any anxiety, but it acted up again. I hate the feeling of not being able to control my body. Throughout my years of practicing yoga, I have put my effort to control my body, but now it seems like everything went to waste… well, not everything, but you get what I mean…

I have spent my days helping friends. It gave me a purpose in life to actually do something for others. However, at the same time, I think I’m also experiencing imposter syndrome. I felt, at times, a sense of not belonging – not knowing where I stand in the world.

While I put a lot of effort into trying to fit in, there is only so much I can do. I can’t change my sexuality, nor I can change myself to be a bro. I’m also not an ultimate party animal, nor I am a social butterfly. I tried my hardest to remind myself that it’s okay to be who I am. Yet, when I sit alone, hearing laughter from things that I can’t comprehend or not a part of, I question my existence.

I had a conversation with one of my friends today, and one very strong fear popped up. I had a lot of deep conversations with him, and he is not the most open person. My most fear is that my ability and tendency to engage in a deep and emotional conversation will result in people running away from me.

There is a lot of fear, anxiety, and many other feelings in me today.

The only bright side is that, instead of having that feeling every day. Today is the first day in a while. I hope the gap time will be wider and wider as time progress…

Wishing for improvement still…

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