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Depression Diary: The Second Wave

Dear Diary

Yesterday was rough. The day before, I was drinking so much that I blacked out – the first time I actually blacked out – can you believe that? I woke up at 3.30 pm being completely hungover. We did a trek around Nordeste. The scene was beautiful; however, being hungover and still being affected by the depressant effect of alcohol, I was completely in the bad zone all day. I barely could carry a conversation, felt car sick, and the worst part of the day – experienced the worst anxiety ever. I was already shaking in the car on the way back from Nordeste. The moment I got of the car, I literally ran into my room, lie face down, and squeezed the bed so that I could stop shaking. It took me a good 20 mins before I could return to normal.

I finally had my second consultation with a psychiatrist today. The reassured him that my suicidal thought was not very serious. Although some action was taken, it was not with intention. He sounded surprised to know that my anxiety was worsened – to be honest, I am as well. I was hoping that anxiety would be gone by now, but it has worsened ever since I landed in Azores. Weird right? I’m living on an island that is so unrealistically beautiful, but my brain is so fucked up that the beauty is clouded.

The dosage for Zoloft and Xanax was increased per doctor’s order. I was also prescribed a new drug Xeroquel, which, from my understanding, is for people with major depression.

Am I actually there?

This is getting a bit too real for me now… Hopefully, this is going away soon…

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