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Depression Diary: Ups and Downs

Dear Diary

The past few days have been tough, but yesterday and today have been quite good. I guess, on top of managing myself through the struggle of depression, I will also have to appreciate the good times as well. Anxiety always comes and goes. It seems like a part of my emotion now anyway. Anytime I feel lonely, left out, or even neutral, anxiety will hit – but I don’t think we can actually escape bad emotion all the time right?

To be honest, after spending a bit of time doing introspection, I realized that my depression may actually came from my ability to connect to people – especially those that I care. The day before my depression started to worsened (or really hit me), I was very and honest to one of my friend about my concern and my thought – in a way which may be not socially appropriate. I’m sorry – if you are reading this you know who you are.

After the situation, I felt disconnected, ignored, and left out. Especially, after the broken promise, I felt even worse. As such, depression hit big time – to the deepest dip, once again, in my life.

Over the past two days, I have been able to reconnect somewhat – potentially by masking and faking my happiness. It is amazing actually how faking happiness could actually bring you happiness. I hope this continues… One of the key reasons was possible because I have learned that my unhappiness affects the person, and unless I radiate positivity, the person will run away. As the person is, for some reason, my sole connection to the world at the moment, I have to make sure at least that I’m strong… or at least look so.

One thing that made me really touched and irritated at the same time was how I have received an email from the in-house psychologist at the school because the person reported my suicidal thought to the psychologist. The reason I was quite touched was that, even though on the surface, I was ignored and ran away from (trust me – I felt like apart from case practice, I’m no human being), the person actually care enough to raise the issue… However, it also turned out to be troublesome for me because I am definitely not ready for a conversation with a psychologist right now. There are too many stimuli in the environment that I do not know to manage and control myself. Opening up another pandora box was not my idea of good summer vacation when I also know that I have to carry it for a while.

I have also started picking up, on top of poetry, sketching today. I spent nearly 2 hours sitting in the park trying to figure out how to draw and sketch. It was quite therapeutic. The outcome was not really that good actually, but I was quite proud to be able to pick up a new skill in such a time.

I have sent the sketch to my personal sensei. The response was “not bad”. I guess we have to establish a common ground on “how a newbie actually needs some encouragement”. And “not bad” is not a good and motivating response haha

One good thing is that I’m still living. I’m living in paradise. And now I have a goal to look forward to. I really want to come back on this island again when I’m much better mentally. Then, I can fully absorb and enjoy the island with a clear mind…

Good night dear diary…

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