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Lockdown life: death spiral of ironies and internal conflicts

It's been a month and a half in this lockdown in a small town of Fontainebleau, where the forest and greens are within proximity but out of reach and friends are close but forever too far. It has been a life with so many promises and ambitions at the start, but also a life with so much inertia and procrastination as negativities of isolation hit. This is also the time that I started to wish for companionship more than ever, but also the prospect of finding one is so small given the "market place" is so dry. As I look for the bright side of things, I managed to get some improvement with my physical fitness and some goals, but as the "what ifs" hit, I'm no longer certain whether or not these successes suffice.

It's just at the end of last year that I really started thinking about being in a relationship. I didn't even expect that I will be thinking so much about it lately. It may be because I have been surrounded by people with a successful relationship lately, or because I have been living alone in this lockdown, or both. Even as self-aware as I am, I don't really know - or I don't even want to accept it. What I know for sure is that I'm fantasizing how good would it be to have someone I really enjoy the company to live with me at this moment of isolation. Keeping myself active and busy helped me get through the first few weeks of the lockdown, but as time passed by, anxiety, boredom, and even the prospect of even more free time kicked in. Now, I'm feeling more lonely than ever before? Am I on the verge of depression?

Continuing my handstand journey, practicing yoga, getting back to body-weight training, and joining virtual fitness sessions are among various fitness initiatives I have joined. I even stepped up my yoga teaching activity by teaching virtual classes twice a week. I guess one good thing about this is that I have gotten much stronger, especially in my upper body and my inversions have been much improved. However, the fact that my life is now so sedentary with sitting in front of the laptop, no walking to school, and limited to running outdoor (which I hate) mean that I may actually be net less active than before - meaning I may actually have gained weight as a result (I have a broken scale at home, and I have no intention of fixing it). On top of that, my return to cooking Asian food (such as Chashu, Charsiu, crispy pork belly, etc.) did not really help my case at all. This, I blame no one but myself.

Procrastination has been a consistent theme in my lockdown. I have started the lockdown with a list of Lockdown Resolution which includes:

1) Finishing two books (none to date)

2) Finishing a Python course (still no)

3) Not missing any assignment (okay - this one I have been keeping up quite well)

4) Editing all photos from my INSEAD year so far (not even touched my camera so far)

5) Writing 5 blogs on this website (done 1 - this is my second)

6) Getting six packs (been eating like a pig - I have more core strength and muscles, but hidden by a layer of fat)

7) Practicing yoga every day (procrastination wins - been doing 4-5 days a week)

The journey to this point was not as bad as the current situation though. I managed to get six-packs on week 2 of lockdown through a very healthy diet and crazy exercise every day. Then, anxiety and sadness kicked in, followed by binge eating, and procrastination. A death spiral of all these negativities led to no good, but I just had no way out. As a result, sick-packs was gone for good, nothing really was achieved. I'm still a lonely sad man living alone. When will this be over?

I usually am the type of person who would end everything with a positive note. However, on this occasion, I really want to stay true to myself. This is not a good time, especially for a single, Asian, introvert, and gay man in a foreign land. I'm not sure if this is a cry for help, a release of a stream of emotion, or an incomprehensible rambling, but this is the best I can do - just write.

Stay safe. Stay sane... or just try.

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